As writers we learn from everything we read, don’t we? The good, the bad, and the ugly. This includes certain laugh-out-loud-funny, grammatically challenged examples of criminal hucksterism that flood our desktop computer and cell phone inboxes daily. These suspect come-ons are designed to tempt us into sharing personal financial info that will lead to immediate disaster and the draining of hacked bank accounts.
I take delight (yes, I’m weird that way: amused rather than irritated) in poorly written spam-scam e-mails that routinely hit my inbox. Even when the suspect communication is grammatically and syntactically correct, there is oftentimes an over-the-top, maniacal energy quality to the socially engineered “call now!” or “click here!” pitch that both alarms and repels. (Leastwise the literate, discerning receiver of such junk e-mail spams.) Here is a baker’s dozen of the best that have entertained me this year, with my considered (though not communicated) replies.
Would you like to secure your level and be all monies?
Carl: “Umm . . .”
Stimulus is available to you now! Mistake if delay. We can give you advance on government checks.
Carl: “Thank god! East European scammers to the rescue. Uncle Sam is such a slacker!”
Would you like more money? If such dreams contact ______ at _____ and get approved while only ten minutes pass.
Carl: “I’ll give you five . . .”
Respond to Check Adventure today!
Carl: “Yes! No.”
Many are the peoples whose accounts fall off due to errors that are not their faults yet bills keep coming. How to resolve? It starts by saying “I want gold.”
Carl: “I want gold! I want gold! I want gold!” (A beat.) “F#@k! Nothing’s happening . . .”
We have been trying to complete your application for $10,000 – $100,000. Many pay only $50 a month or less. Approval come quick as you e-sign, so why stop?
Carl: “I Googled your company.”
Three times now you no respond to so much money.
Carl: “And I shall ignore you three times more . . .”
In just two minutes your life can change.
Carl: “I’ll bet!”
Carl, your $10,000 is here! Please contact us so that we can complete the bank transfer.
Carl: “I don’t wish to own a bank; please send money in the mail.”
Are you short of cash? That is not your fault. Get what you need today.
Carl: “I am gratified and reassured! I knew being poor wasn’t my fault. 20k in small bills, please.”
So many people have happy bills now that they modify with extra dollars. Call our operators to learn how fast you can change the bills.
Carl: “Joy tremors! I call so fast we go back in time to modify sad-face debts.”
We tried to reach you by phone and failed. So now we reach out with money that starts by clicking this link to see what amount. Almost everybody get big money! Bad credit is no problem to us.
Carl: “Well sure; that makes sense–who needs good credit to get ‘big money’ ?”
And my personal favorite for enthusiastic succinctness, the pitch that began: