humor, scams, Uncategorized, Writers Co-op

Get Big Money Now! Click or Call!

As writers we learn from everything we read, don’t we? The good, the bad, and the ugly. This includes certain laugh-out-loud-funny, grammatically challenged examples of criminal hucksterism that flood our desktop computer and cell phone inboxes daily. These suspect come-ons are designed to tempt us into sharing personal financial info that will lead to immediate disaster and the draining of hacked bank accounts.

I take delight (yes, I’m weird that way: amused rather than irritated) in poorly written spam-scam e-mails that routinely hit my inbox. Even when the suspect communication is grammatically and syntactically correct, there is oftentimes an over-the-top, maniacal energy quality to the socially engineered “call now!” or “click here!” pitch that both alarms and repels. (Leastwise the literate, discerning receiver of such junk e-mail spams.) Here is a baker’s dozen of the best that have entertained me this year, with my considered (though not communicated) replies. 

Would you like to secure your level and be all monies? 

Carl: “Umm . . .” 

Stimulus is available to you now! Mistake if delay. We can give you advance on government checks. 

Carl: “Thank god! East European scammers to the rescue. Uncle Sam is such a slacker!” 

Would you like more money? If such dreams contact ______ at _____ and get approved while only ten minutes pass. 

Carl: “I’ll give you five . . .” 

Respond to Check Adventure today! 

Carl: “Yes! No.” 

Many are the peoples whose accounts fall off due to errors that are not their faults yet bills keep coming. How to resolve? It starts by saying “I want gold.” 

Carl: “I want gold! I want gold! I want gold!” (A beat.) “F#@k! Nothing’s happening . . .” 

We have been trying to complete your application for $10,000 – $100,000. Many pay only $50 a month or less. Approval come quick as you e-sign, so why stop? 

Carl: “I Googled your company.” 

Three times now you no respond to so much money. 

Carl: “And I shall ignore you three times more . . .” 

In just two minutes your life can change. 

Carl: “I’ll bet!” 

Carl, your $10,000 is here! Please contact us so that we can complete the bank transfer. 

Carl: “I don’t wish to own a bank; please send money in the mail.” 

Are you short of cash? That is not your fault. Get what you need today. 

Carl: “I am gratified and reassured! I knew being poor wasn’t my fault. 20k in small bills, please.” 

So many people have happy bills now that they modify with extra dollars. Call our operators to learn how fast you can change the bills. 

Carl: “Joy tremors! I call so fast we go back in time to modify sad-face debts.”  

We tried to reach you by phone and failed. So now we reach out with money that starts by clicking this link to see what amount. Almost everybody get big money! Bad credit is no problem to us.  

Carl: “Well sure; that makes sense–who needs good credit to get ‘big money’ ?” 

And my personal favorite for enthusiastic succinctness, the pitch that began: 

Money everywhere! 


18 thoughts on “Get Big Money Now! Click or Call!

  1. Perry Palin says:

    I’ve been called repeatedly by a nationally known sweepstakes organization announcing my second place winnings of $5.1 million and a brand new Mercedes Benz automobile. I’ve told them to send the money to the house by certified check or cash, but that I have a two year old Chevy and a pickup truck and I don’t need or want the Mercedes. They can’t seem to manage that. I’ve asked them to send the money to the house and the caller can keep the Mercedes himself as a gift from me. That didn’t work. I’ve suggested that they deliver the Mercedes to the County Sherriff’s Office to be used by the detectives. Nope. The tell me that the money and car will be on the way as soon as I send the shipping fee for the Mercedes. I told them to take the shipping charge out of the $5.I million cash winnings. No, they tell me, they can’t do that. We’re at a stalemate in the negotiations.

    Meanwhile, I got a call from another group telling me I’ve won $8.5 million. I hope this group is a little more reasonable than the first. If I can collect $8.5 million from this one, I’ll forget about the $5.1 mil and the car.

    I’ve received a lot of poorly worded email announcements of big money winnings. They look like scams to me. But I got an email once, from my friend Jenny, that was perfectly worded (Jenny is an articulate, educated woman), compelling, and pressing, and I wanted to help her. It seems Jenny was traveling in Eastern Europe to visit relatives when her purse was stolen along with her passport, her cash, and her credit cards. She was stranded, and she asked for a short term loan of $2,500 so she could get back to the US, when she would pay me back immediately. I really wanted to help my friend. There were two problems. Jenny knew me well enough to know I was not the best of her friends to ask for the money. And there was the fact that she had been riding her bike in San Francisco the week before, had been hit on the street by a drunk driver in a panel truck, and she was in the hospital in that city. I didn’t send the money. Jenny made a full recovery, thank goodness, and she’ll be riding her bike in my neighborhood sometime this week.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I don’t get those emails, or else they go direct into the spam folder. But daily cold calls asking if I’ve received the catalgue they sent / had the house proofed against destructive insects / complied with the compulsory energy consumption check etc. Often they ask if I own the house, to which I reply ‘Sometimes,’ or ‘Only on Tuesdays’ or whatever else comes into my head. The last time it ended up with the poor guy screaming at me that I needed psychiatric help.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. victoracquista says:

    Carl, I like your approach of converting these annoying solicitations into opportunities for witty imaginary responses. I have been getting better at blocking and filtering but my spam folder is active everyday. Many of these offers are financial, but many are tawdry. My cell phone carrier has some technology that labels incoming calls as potential spam. I don’t answer then promptly block the caller. My wife shared something from Tik-Tok where the woman answered the phone and placed a metal pot over it then began banging the pot with a metal utensil. That only is effective if there is an actual person on the other end.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. We should hold a contest for “Best Response To A Scammer.” Everybody wins. The winners would be paid $50 as soon as we received their $50 entrance fee. Our profit would come from selling the emails & phone numbers of the gullible winners to scammers.
    While this might strike some as wrong on many levels, it would probably work in today’s world.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Hell, it’s even easier than that, GD. If we were predatory scum we could announce a new Writers Co-Op literary magazine: The Sargasso. (A Midwest Journal of Social-Realist Proto-punk Slash Fiction, Stream-of-Consciousness Deferred Meaning Poetry, & Interstitial Alien/Earth Mammalian Tales of Operatic Pointillist Liminality & Crypto-Anarchist Cerebration.) Published quarterly. Cash prizes paid for 1st-, 2nd- and 3rd-place winners. Then we mention the reading/entrance fee . . . (No limit to the number of entries a writer may submit, of course.)

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Just saw an interesting news story. Some group tracked down the origin of the more out-rageous anti-vaccine posts on social media. Most of them come from 12 posters. The posters then target, as potential scam victims, people who believe their nonsense.

    Liked by 4 people

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