For over three decades now I’ve been recording in a series of journals the most astonishing utterances one could ever hope to hear as one goes about the daily business of surviving on planet Mayhem. Some of these were said directly to my face, most were overheard as I eavesdropped on the conversation of others. I have winnowed down thousands of quotes from young and old, educated and miseducated, the intelligent and, err . . . somewhat less intelligent in order to focus on 100 jaw-droppers primarily concerned with writing, reading and literature. If you think most people hold these subjects in high regard, well . . . all I can say is that you haven’t been listening very closely to your fellow man or woman.
Although not notated as such please understand that every brain stem utterance, non-sequitur, reality-wrenching misstatement, microburst of ignorance and/or illogic reproduced here is to be understood as being end-capped thusly: [sic]
And if some of these ring familiar (see especially those utterances coming from the mouths of novice writers), all I can say is that the complexity and uniqueness of human experience apparently only goes so far: certain patterns repeat, so it would seem—everywhere.
In no particular order, then:
………………………………
- “Reading?! I’ve no time to read; I’m in college.”
- “I decided to be impressive and use a semi-colon.”
- “I hate any book that has more than 300 pages in it; it’s so unnecessary.”
- “If you really want to call attention to a word or phrase tilt it.”
- “Unless your name is Virgil or Julius Caesar you shouldn’t be writing in Roman.”
- “Reading is so gay.”
- “The problem with most contemptible bourgeois literature is that it shamelessly propagandizes for autocratic hetero-normative values.”
- “I never read books written before I was born; people were so stupid then.”
- “I’m suspicious of science fiction; it keeps coming true.”
- “You know the symbol I mean: the ‘a’ with its tail wrapped around itself, like a dead possum?”
- “I like gun violence in the books I read; shrapnel is so random.”
- “The Canterbury tales weren’t written in modern English; they were written in Old English–which is French.”
- “I can’t read books by women; their names on the cover stop me.”
- “Of course women now comprise 70% of the book-buying public. Why is this so surprising? Video games do a much better job of scratching the male itch once catered to by Conan comics and Mickey Spillane paperbacks.”
- “The greatest writer in the world is Stephen King.”
- “The worst writer in the world is Stephen King.”
- “I can’t read fantasy; it’s so unreal.”
- “The thing about a good western is that all the right people die in it.”
- “All characters ever do in Shakespeare is talk, talk, talk.”
- “Greek mythology is perverted; no wonder they died out to the Mongols.”
- “Reading ruins your eyes and everything else.”
- “I only read books I can’t understand. I believe in improving myself.”
- “You think you’re a writer just because you use words?”
- “You can’t call it a mystery if you’ve finished the book.”
- “Libraries are arrogance centers.”
- “The Bible is the only book anyone needs. The correct version, of course; the _____ version.”
- “The only punctuation I use is the period, comma and question mark. Oh and those two little talking slashes.”
- “I don’t like to be shouted at by exclamation marks.”
- “My boss was mad at me because he thought I was mad at him: I typed in all capital letters. I told him I knew his eyes were bad.”
- “I couldn’t finish the book; my mother stole it.”
- “I caught my boyfriend reading my romance novel. He said he was jealous and wanted to know what I was up to.”
- “Did you read those Anne Rice s&m novels? There was so much bisexuality in them! I didn’t.”
- “Boldface is helpful if you want to move beyond subtlety.”
- “They call it literature because teachers like it. If kids like it they call the principal.”
- “Books are a blunt instrument; there are much faster ways of inducing clinical depression.”
- “I thought I would like Poe but then he Frenched me.”
- “Moby Dick is boring! Boring, stupid and boring! I wish I was dead.”
- “My dad says I’ll appreciate books like that once I’ve lived long enough to understand what the author is trying to say. I said why doesn’t he just fucking say it?”
- “I don’t like authors who use flowery words. Like containment.”
- “I don’t understand a thing about poetry. Or why it’s called poetry.”
- “Norman Mailer’s not so tough. He’s dead, isn’t he?”
- “Your story needs a rape scene.”
- “The book exploded my brain.”
- “I’m going to write a bestseller next summer when I start writing. Like Tom Clancy.”
- “I guarantee you this story idea will make you rich; all you have to do is write it–then give me half the money you make. I’ll need you to sign a contract, of course.”
- “Say something in writing.”
- “You’re a very good writer. I didn’t read your story.”
- “I don’t have time to worry about lining up every dot and letter; that’s what editors are for.”
- “She criticized me by helping.”
- “What’s the fastest way to get an agent if you don’t need one?”
- “Will you read this and tell me what you think? It’s great! My first story. And it’s all true!”
- “Is the book fiction or nonfiction? Hmm . . . Neither sounds right. I think it’s that other category; they’re reading it in school. History?”
- “She marked my paper up to belittle-ize me.”
- “It’s a word that sounds like another word: a hama-nuh-nah-muh-moon.”
- “I couldn’t stop reading the book so I put it in the freezer.”
- “My dog hates that book.”
- “The teacher was very clear on this—if you have a parenthetical thought, forget it.”
- “I never read footnotes; they’re Aunt Celery to the text.”
- “Dictionaries are full of something, alright.”
- “Smug people buy thesauruses.”
- “This book shouldn’t be on your shelves; it’s offensive. Call the manager.”
- “The thing I’ll never get about writers is why they keep writing. Don’t they understand they’re irritating people?”
- “It’s a very good book; you’ll like it. The words are so normal you don’t even notice you’re reading!”
- “The whole thing ends with sharks eating the goddamn fish and I was so disgusted I started sobbing.”
- “The elves in Tolkien are meant to symbolize the Irish.”
- “A good Lovecraft tale ends in a dead professor and a muttering elder god.”
- “I think Andre Norton is a woman. I’m serious.”
- “Steinbeck’s Of Mice & Men is the greatest book I ever read. It was so short; I really appreciated that.”
- “A novella is a book that ran out of steam.”
- “Sure you can read a book and not be a dork—it’s called sports or mechanical.”
- “He insulted me with words I’m going to look up.”
- “I started reading and woke up on the floor. You see what happens?”
- “And the ironic thing about Dante’s Inferno is that you get to the center of hell and you’re just glad it’s over.”
- “Yeah, but if Huckleberry Finn had kept going into Mexico, Mark Twain would have more Hispanic readers, that’s all I’m saying.”
- “You know what they say: use a bookmark, not a small rock.”
- “I never read the author bio before I start reading the text; I’ll lose respect for the book.”
- “Novelists think they’re so clever.”
- “The title The Red Badge of Courage should be re-appropriated for a YA feminist novel of menstruation.”
- “Every time I see the words The Naked and the Dead I think about zombie orgies.”
- “I don’t waste my time on short stories; the author didn’t.”
- “She’s like, _________ and I’m all _________. I know, right?!” [Repeat this sentence structure five times in a row.]
- “John Gardner was a brilliant writer who crashed into a tree.”
- “When someone writes a screenplay it’s called a movie. When they turn a movie into a book it’s called desperate.”
- “It’s amazing! They’re just letters on the page, but when the letters turn into words and the words attack you . . .”
- “I never remember what I read. So why read? Waste of time.”
- “I abhor sexist language like his, her, policeman, cock.”
- “How did a crucified Jewish messiah wind up with a Greek name and a Roman Empire? God’s will.”
- “Emily Dickinson hid in an attic because she didn’t know what her poetry was talking about.”
- “It’s an oxymoron, like Burger World.”
- “What’s that word for a sentence that reads the same backward or forward? Hippodrome? Emperor Palpatine?”
- “I turned all the books in his library around so that the titles faced the back of the shelf.”
- “You never read anything by Rudyard Kipling? You’ve seen The Wizard of Oz, right?”
- “The essay is a form better left unwritten.”
- “I don’t call it cheating; I consider it rapid studying under pressure.”
- “I don’t need to read the book to know what I think about it; I’m educated.”
- “The book is called—what’s that title with three words in it?”
- “The problem with Shakespeare is that he wrote in Elizabeth Town dialect.”
- “It’s supposed to be a dirty book but it’s all cultural. I sweated buying it for nothing.”
- “She insisted I read the book. We’re not talking now.”
- “They said the book would change your life. So I read it. Same ‘ole life.”
WRITERS CO-OP: A WRITER COMMUNITY FOR YOU. 