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GD Deckard

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66 comments on How We Met

How We Met

Writers know that no matter the genre, love often motivates their characters. Personal experience counts here. If you dare, use the Comments to write about how you met someone you loved.

I’ll begin….
It all began back in 1993 before games were played on the Internet. I bought a printer. There was a disk in the box for the first online game-only environment. The Sierra Network played over long distant phone lines.

I innocently logged into a dungeons & dragons screen of Pac-Man-like game characters. One of them greeted me and moved over to my avatar and put a potion into my game inventory. It was -no other way to put this- thrilling! A real person, somewhere else in the world, was inside my video game!?

People online in the early days were judged by their actions. It was a game, so how you behaved defined you. The lesson in this was best expressed to me by a “bride” who was “marrying” online someone that she had never met. She was a personable, outgoing manufacturer’s representative who flew around the country visiting music stores. The “groom” was a total geek engineer who apparently lived in the California audio lab where he worked and played the game.

I asked her, “Why him? You have never met. What do you know about him?”

“Here,” she told me, “You get to know the real person before you meet them.”

For the record, those two actually met and married and lived together until she died of Lupis. Something he knew about from the beginning.

How we met, my lady and I, resulted from our long-distance phone bills eventually reaching a thousand dollar a month. We played the game together evenings and nights and weekends and holidays and paid Ma Bell by the minute. Not being totally stupid, we decided to meet and see if we wanted to move in together. Being smarter than me, she had me go to lunch first with two people from the game who lived near me. Only by the grace of their opinion, “He’s different, but harmless,” did she agree to actually meet. When I asked for her photograph, she replied, “You won’t be disappointed.”

The person I got to know before I met her was the real person.

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GD Deckard

Severely beaten as a child by a WWII hero and combat-induced-PTSD stepfather, the author, as a teen, faced the old man down with a shotgun and earned his blessing to join the military at the time Americans were learning about a country called Vietnam. The “lazy, no good son-of-a-bitch” opted out of combat and hard labor by becoming an Air Force medic, stamping out suffering and misery on Freedom’s Frontier at Clark Airbase in S.E. Asia and earning some kind of medal pinned on him personally by then Secretary of the Air Force, Harold Brown, for “Saving lives, etc.” There followed a summer in Europe ending in the first of happy marriages. Then graduation with University Honors, kids worth dying for and a career in business. Life is good. Author, The Phoenix Diary, Penguin, 2015. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-phoenix-diary-g-d-deckard/1122175645 Founding Member, Writers Co-op. https://WritersCo-op.com Co-Editor, The Rabbit Hole anthologies. https://www.amazon.com/Rabbit-Hole-Weird-Stories/dp/1691225355/ref=sr_1_1 Founder, SciFi Lampoon Magazine. http://scifilampoon.com/ Contributing Editor, A Celebration of Storytelling https://www.amazon.com/Celebration-Storytelling-GD-Deckard/dp/1951716167 Current WIP: Code Blue and Little Deaths, stories from Clark during the Vietnam War. Recipient of the Psi Young award for Creative Biography.

66 responses to “How We Met”

  1. Sue Ranscht Avatar
    Sue Ranscht

    Having just returned to San Diego after two torturous years in San Francisco, I was given a work detail in San Dimas (near Pasadena). The Contracting Officer in charge was an acrimonious bastard who refused to pay travel and hotel costs for my detail, and told one of his contracting officer trainees (Dave) that I would be staying at Dave’s and sleeping on his couch. I was not consulted about those arrangements, and Dave apparently felt he had no choice.

    As Dave told me a couple years later, he had asked his recently second-time divorced neighbor, Steve, to drop by the first evening I was there because he was “afraid [he] wouldn’t be able to keep up [his] end of the conversation.” So a couple hours after Steve “dropped by”, Steve suggested the three of us go dancing. Sounded safe enough to me. I was not looking for any kind of relationship.

    By the end of the night, Steve had invited me to come visit him while I was in town. I learned he’d traveled and lived all over the world, and presented as a cosmopolitan. That was attractive. Then I met his three kids and got to watch him parent. It was neither quiet nor commendable. However, I got on very well with the kids who were 15, 12, and 8 at the time, but I admit they were a huge handful. Intelligent, strong-willed, and not particularly kind to one another.

    Yet, I knew the relationship would never ask more of me than I wanted to give because I had no desire to do anything like cohabitate with, much less marry the man. It was obvious to both of us that we would drive each other crazy in a week if we tried living together.

    Having been the single parent of Steve’s second son, I managed on my own for the first 6-1/2 years. Then, when I finally needed help, Steve rose to the occasion and contributed just enough child support to get us by. Three years later, he bought us the house we had been renting. I’ve lived in it for almost 34 years, our son is 40, and although we haven’t seen each other in 24 years, Steve and I are still friends. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had.

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      I like your story, Sue. It speaks well of you both. Remaining friends after you’ve stopped seeing one another proves that being together in the first place was the right thing to do.

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    2. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      Sue, I love your story. You’re the role model I wish I’d had. I wish I had known that my life didn’t depend on a man to take care of me. I’m sure that fallible thinking comes from how I was raised. Somehow, I had it in my head that you grew up, found a husband and raised babies. It took a long time for me to understand that didn’t have to be. I’m grateful I didn’t pass that idea to my kids!

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  2. Mike Van Horn Avatar
    Mike Van Horn

    Back in the early 70s, I took a night class at UCLA on becoming a writer. I cannot recall a single thing I learned in that class. (It probably shows in my writing.) However, sitting behind me was this gorgeous blond. This being the era of miniskirts, she had legs that went on forever. But I couldn’t stare at her without turning around.
    We’d smiled at each other a couple of times. But then one break we were standing by the vending machines, and she asked me if I’d like to try her Funky Granola. Why yes, I thought I would! I asked her if she’d like to go to this concert with me. Yes, but she needed to warn me of something. She had a 3-year old daughter. I couldn’t imagine why that would matter. Only afterward I learned she drove a red-orange Datsun 240Z.
    So, fast forward. We’ve been together 50 years now. Her little daughter now has daughters of her own, both of them in college. They both just wished Grampa Mike (me) happy birthday today.

    Liked by 5 people

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      Happy Birthday, Grampa er Mike.
      And congratulations on 50 years together. That is a great story!

      Liked by 4 people

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    2. MamaSquid Avatar
      MamaSquid

      Happy Birthday! What a great story.

      Liked by 4 people

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    3. Sue Ranscht Avatar
      Sue Ranscht

      Happy Birthday, Mike! Obviously, there was more to her than “legs that went on forever.” You’re a fortunate couple.

      Liked by 3 people

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      1. Mike Van Horn Avatar
        Mike Van Horn

        So, I was this long-hair hippie-ish kind of guy, questioning everything. She was this prim catholic-school girl. Yet she and I just clicked. (Her mother did not like me.) I remember one time early on we were up in the mountains and she embraced a redwood tree and talked to it. I asked, “Does it ever talk back to you?” She said, “I commune with all of nature.” I thought, this is the woman I want. Does it make sense? No idea. But it spoke to me.
        She also wrestled a bear once at a Renaissance Faire near LA.
        She and I learned scuba diving together. We were sailing buddies for years. We backpacked 5 weeks in New Zealand. We’ve traveled to every continent except Antarctica. She loves to cook and I love to eat.
        She is a retired HR consultant, and her old clients still call begging her to help them.
        Every evening we sit on our front deck sipping chardonnay and telling each stories from the day.
        If I lived forever, I’d want to spend it with her.
        And she still has great legs!

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        1. Sue Ranscht Avatar
          Sue Ranscht

          What’s the old saying, “The couple who plays together, stays together,” right? Sounds like a great life. I don’t think great legs ever become less great. 🙂 I’m pretty sure long-hair hippie-ish people who question everything are never less so, except maybe in the hair department, lol.

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          1. Mike Van Horn Avatar
            Mike Van Horn

            Yeah, well, I’m not bald yet, Sue! But my thick dark shoulder length tresses have become thin and grey.

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      2. GD Deckard Avatar
        GD Deckard

        😂For one thing, Sue, she’s obviously a saint.🤣

        Liked by 2 people

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    4. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      Happy Birthday Mike!
      My Mom was a hippie chic. I always loved that about my tree hugging family. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person.

      Liked by 2 people

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  3. MamaSquid Avatar
    MamaSquid

    I was a freshman at the University of Michigan attending orientation for the first time. I had all the typical insecurities and idealism of youth, still reeling from an abusive childhood and the senior year from hell. Everywhere I looked I saw smart rich people talking about how smart and rich they were. I was finally at this place where I was supposed to belong somewhere – God knows I didn’t belong in the backcountry shithole I grew up in – but I didn’t belong here, either.

    I don’t remember the exact moment I met him because he didn’t make a strong first impression. He was nerdy in different ways than me, fixated on two main topics: running (as if) and the X-Men (who…?) But I do remember we sat down across from one another and talked about how awkward we felt that people seemed to be more interested in discussing their test scores than making a real connection. I saw that he was remarkably kind, but a bit too strange to be boyfriend material. He thought faster than he could speak, often mumbled, wore glasses and a head full off curly dark hair that stuck up at all angles. It would be nearly a year before I noticed his beautiful eyes.

    We fell in love the way I think you’re supposed to: with time. I told him things I never planned on telling anyone. There were long days together, like the overnight marathon in which I assembled an elaborate computer desk and hutch while he stood awkwardly at my side, handing me tools (this trend has not changed.) I remember asking my mother, “Do you think he likes me?” And she said, “Christy, I love you, and not even I would spend eleven hours helping you assemble a desk.”

    He was not bothered in the least by the insane amount of emotional baggage I carried – in fact, as a psychology major, he held it all with compassionate equanimity. During the summer he went back home and we communicated for hours a day on AOL. One night I told him I was sad. He said, “If I were there right now, I would hug you so hard.” “Why, then I would melt into a little puddle.” To which he replied, “I would scoop you up, wait until you resolidified, and hug you all over again.”

    And there went my heart. It took me a long time to make up my mind about him, but when I finally did, I was certain. It went from “this is my best friend” to “I want to spend the rest of my life with this man” with no in-between. Four years later, we married. It was us against the world and grad school. Fourteen years after that, we had a son.

    We have been together 21 years now. I think it’s amazing how we still lose sleep because we can’t help but stay up late talking to one another. Politics, philosophy, Ninja Turtles, nothing is off limits. I will even tolerate X-Men in small doses. I love his laughter when I deliver a devastating insult. (And how quickly he ran from the room after ambushing me with, “You’re halfway to 80, you should have figured this out by now!”) I love that he was all-in on fatherhood from day one. In all this time, I have very few complaints.

    He was the first great miracle of my life, and directly responsible for the second one. Is it any surprise I can’t stop writing about love?

    Liked by 6 people

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    1. Sue Ranscht Avatar
      Sue Ranscht

      You have a great love story, Christy. I believe being able to talk with your SO about everything and anything, particularly both people’s emotional states and vulnerabilities, builds the close friendship that is the basis for a lasting relationship.

      Liked by 3 people

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  4. MamaSquid Avatar
    MamaSquid

    I told my husband about this post and I said, “Aw, look, she loves her husband.” He said, “If you love him so much, then why did you make a typo?” Then he hugged me while I fake cried and said, “Don’t feel bad. It was a solid B+ effort.”

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      It’s the warm and funny details that make your story wonderful, Christy. Thank you for sharing this!

      Liked by 2 people

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  5. Sue Ranscht Avatar
    Sue Ranscht

    GD, this is a bold way to begin a discussion. Your own story shows me your abiding faith in people’s honest communication. You’ve done well.

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      Once again, Sue, your insight helps. Never thought about it, but like Mike, I’ve lived on different continents, and I suspect Mike would agree: most people communicate honestly.

      Liked by 2 people

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  6. sootfoot5 Avatar
    sootfoot5

    I had just started law school and found I didn’t have anything in common with the other students at Ole Miss. Luckily, I made friends with a local high school teacher, Lisa. One day Lisa said she has a couple of guy friends that she wants us to go out with.
    Lisa brought John and Franklin to my apartment. I didn’t mean to make an entrance, but they were standing at the foot of the stairs when I came down, their heads turned up, staring at me. John later told me that what went through his head when I came down the stairs was, “eyes, lips, tits.”
    As for me, I wasn’t impressed with either of them. Then John spoke and I heard a voice I could live with for the rest of my life.
    Franklin was driving a small Honda. John got in the back seat and invited me to join him. That was it. We were paired up for the rest of the night. We made goo-goo eyes at each other in the extreme, never noticing Lisa’s disapproving glances.
    I didn’t know until later that John and Lisa used to be a couple and had broken up some time ago. She then had a relationship with Franklin and treated him rather severely. Why he still spoke to her was anyone’s guess. But in her devious mind, she figured she had to find a girlfriend for Franklin before John would take her back because the two men had become such good friends. Thus, she was trying to set me up with Franklin so she could get back together with John.
    This all happened thirty-two years ago. John and I have been together ever since despite attempts from Lisa the first two years to try and break us up.

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      Now that experience has to help your writing!

      Liked by 3 people

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      1. sootfoot5 Avatar
        sootfoot5

        I suppose it did , especially since there was a lot more to the tale than I related here. This was truly a story of love, trust, friendship, betrayal, loyalty, manipulation and more. Very quickly it turned out that the only one who even wanted to speak to Lisa was Franklin despite the fact she had burned him hard the first go around. It was, the best of times, the craziest of times, so yes, I’m sure I developed some writing skills during this period.

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  7. GD Deckard Avatar
    GD Deckard

    These stories are all very interesting to read. I think they shine because -my lady tells me- “There’s heart in them.”

    I wonder, maybe we could put together an anthology of true stories titled, “How We Met” subtitled “Writers in Love.” Not all of the stories would have a storybook ending. But they could all be very interesting to read.

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. sootfoot5 Avatar
      sootfoot5

      There is definitely a market for honesty. I suspect half of the people who read The Sun go straight to “Readers Write” before looking at anything else.

      Liked by 3 people

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    2. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      I agree with your lady GD. Heartfelt writing tends to resonate as well as be relatable to the reader.

      I found it difficult to write my own tale. I’ve told my story to people before, certainly this is the abbreviated version, but it’s really hard to admit how many times I’ve married, or relive the devastation I’ve subjected myself to.
      As Sooffoot puts it “especially since there was a lot more to the tale than I related here.”

      There is definitely alot more. Each relationship I mention left and indelible mark on my soul. Yet, my story is incomplete without them.

      Your idea for a collection of stories about ‘Writer’s in Love’ would be worth the read. How many times have you read one particular writers work and wondered more about the writer? What their experiences were? How they came to write their stories?

      RH7 ‘Writer’s in Love’ true stories about your favorite author.

      Liked by 2 people

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    3. Sue Ranscht Avatar
      Sue Ranscht

      Every story has a middle. Mimi, Sandy, and Perry shared the backgrounds that led into how they met the one they now love. But from that point to this has a middle of its own.

      My own story leaves that most formative part out — the betrayal, the fury, the hurt, the closing off, the lengthy healing, and the renewed willingness eventually to include my son’s father in his life — but, never fully trust him ever again, realizing he could, and even might, still hurt me. Especially when the same thing had happened a decade earlier, a year after I’d fallen in love for the first time. Only that time, there was no child to bind us afterward. Would Steve and I still be friends if there were no Brylan? No. It wouldn’t have been worth the effort.

      I agree that most of the strangers and acquaintances we meet anywhere in the world will communicate honestly. They have no invested reason to be dishonest. It’s the people we are most vulnerable with who can hurt us with their dishonesty — which might even be a misguided way to “protect” us from something they decide to do that they know would cause pain.

      Even from early childhood, I have craved time to myself. I need time alone. I could never imagine getting married, and I never wanted that for myself. I feel fulfilled on my own, but I have never regretted being a mother — even a single mother. It is possible I’ve chosen partners knowing marriage would never be a possibility. I’ve just never found one who would share a non-marriage, loving, committed relationship where the partners are open and vulnerable, yet can trust each other not to betray that trust. The observation I’ve heard more than one woman laughingly voice is, “The good men are all taken or gay.”

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      1. GD Deckard Avatar
        GD Deckard

        Sue
        “I need time alone.”
        Everyone does. How much varies by individuals. We tested for that in a career firm where I once worked. Not me, but my partner was qualified to administer the test. (I offhand forget the name, but it’s well known.) One thing the test tells you is how many hours a day you can spend in front of other people.

        We all have our limit. Mine is about four hours. Our best salesperson could happily spend time twelve hours a day socializing. Of course we can make ourselves go longer but after our limit is reached, the rubber band begins to stretch.

        Oh, and “other people” means anyone, including family and lovers. I remember a woman ushering her husband into my office. “He’s all yours now,” she told me. “I can’t do anything with him.” She sat him in the chair before my desk and left. Lou just looked at me uncomfortably. Turns out, Lou was comfortable being with other people only about 90 minutes a day. Luckily, he was also a brilliant programmer, and we did help him to get a job with a defense contractor. They put him in front of a monitor alone in a darkened room. Needing time alone is normal. How much is only part of what defines us.

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        1. Sandy Randall Avatar
          Sandy Randall

          GD, I’m Curious as to what you did for work. I’ve never heard of a service where wives brought their husbands in to be fixed! Sounds Royish to me … lol

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          1. GD Deckard Avatar
            GD Deckard

            LOL Sandy,
            No, I owned a career counseling firm where professionals came to change their career path. That was in the early 80’s right after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the aerospace industry was downsizing. Those companies paid employees money to leave, and we helped many begin a different career. Nothing magical. We paid for information on what career switches other people had successfully made & steered our clients appropriately. The counselors in the firm were themselves professionals with different backgrounds, chosen to be of specific help to our clientele.

            Lou’s counselor was a British scientist who had come over here to work in Reagan’s Starwars program. He found hiring fairs put on by high tech companies. Understanding Lou’s total geekiness, he printed up business card size “resumes” for him. Lou’s wife would drop him off at the event, telling him, “Now remember, honey, you don’t have to talk to anyone. Just hand out those cards.” It worked.

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        2. Sue Ranscht Avatar
          Sue Ranscht

          GD, I never doubted everyone needs alone time to varying degrees until I met my son. Gregarious in the extreme, he was a highly motivated and successful schmoozer by age 8. Given a choice, he always
          wanted to be surrounded by people. I soon recognized the idea of sending him to his room was a non-starter. It certainly wasn’t that he couldn’t entertain himself. It was that forcing him to be alone was cruel and unusual punishment.

          So if you max out at about 4 hours a day, do you avoid your lady for 20 hours a day? If I had imagined a marriage like that were a thing, I might have reconsidered at least one of the three proposals I turned down, lol.

          I also recognize that those of us who require generous amounts of alone time can, if we choose, endure and even enjoy spending long hours with groups working on common goals. Not so true with forced small talk crowds. My personal hell would be a party. Somehow, time with children is different for me — enriching, nourishing, good honest fun, and full of love. So my decades in day care and children’s theatre, which together left me with about 5-1/2 hours sleep a night, didn’t take a toll until they were over. Suddenly, I was hit by the reality that I’d spent the previous 25 years sleep-deprived and surrounded by entirely too many people.

          Sharing my house now with my older sister benefits both of us, but even though she mostly keeps to herself, my ever-present awareness that she’s there and potentially in need of my attention leaves me feeling insufficiently alone. The only reason that’s not relationship-ending is that I don’t believe I owe her anything more than being ready to pay attention. But I don’t believe that’s enough for a successful marriage. Am I mistaken? After all, I’ve never been married.

          Liked by 2 people

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          1. Sandy Randall Avatar
            Sandy Randall

            You bring up some excellent points Sue. “My personal hell would be a party.” Qualify this with a party with people I don’t know and have nothing in common with. This is my biggest downfall working at Starbucks, engaging in small talk at the drive thru window while waiting for their order to be done so I can hand it out. Fortunately, the time of day I work, most people don’t want to talk before their first sip of caffeine.
            I used to have to go to conferences for the union. The dinners and get togethers after the days work, I would make an appearance, maybe eat something (I also hate eating at buffets or eating while trying to talk) but more than likely grab a beer or a glass of wine and force myself to stay long enough to finish it. Then duck and run.
            There was a period of time when I decided to forgo small talk and just go with whatever was on my mind. I found that exhausting too.
            My husband and I work because early on we both expressed our alone time need and we both let each other know we don’t expect the other person to provide entertainment of any sort. We have agreed that we need to do things that make us happy and it may not necessarily be the other persons cup of tea. I like to read and write and paint. He likes to watch Youtube about construction, boats and music. We meet in the music middle. If we have the need to discuss something, it’s a forewarning to the other person that their undivided attention is required. Usually something to do with bills, house or job schedules. I also give him an hour to tell me about his day. He needs that far more than I do. I resolve my day issues by taking the dogs out for a walk in the woods. He is better at taking care of his needs, than I am of taking care of my own. I’m getting better at it. I have spent so many years making sure everyone else had what they needed and left myself for last. Not anymore. I live in a house with fully functioning adults and I expect them to act that way.
            Unlike you, children that are not my own, give me anxiety. I’m glad all mine are adults and none of them have chosen to have any of their own.

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            1. Sue Ranscht Avatar
              Sue Ranscht

              Sandy,

              “I have spent so many years making sure everyone else had what they needed and left myself for last. Not anymore.”

              I think some of us are wired to be antennae. We always have a channel open to be aware of other people’s feelings and needs. Not that we must do for them and ignore ourselves, but simply that we are not so focused on our own needs and feelings that other people’s aren’t even on our radar. An example might be something as simple as making sure the edge of the toilet paper is hanging free from the roll so it’s easier for the next person to locate it. A tiny, tiny thing that shows consideration of someone else.

              Most children are basically self-centered. A parent drops them off at daycare and the kid, say 2-4 years old, doesn’t think about them again (unless it’s about themselves, as in, “I want my Mommy!”) until it’s time to go home. In all those years, I met only two — both girls — who had an idea that their parents’ lives kept moving forward when they were out of sight. Little things, like after I’ve served them spaghetti, asking, “I wonder what Mommy’s eating for lunch.” Or the child who, without prompting, is kind to another because they don’t want the other child’s feelings to be hurt.

              You’re right about the other adults living with you. You know they are capable of taking care of themselves. You’ve left me wondering if they ever, without prompting, thought to put what you needed or felt ahead of their own desires. Or did they just accept your care as your job as a mom/wife?

              I walked away from two relationships that made everything about what I wanted whether I wanted it that way or not. My attempts to change that didn’t have any effect, and I found being spoiled was turning me into a person I didn’t like very much.

              It sounds as though you’ve taken the harsh lessons to heart. You deserve your success.

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              1. Sandy Randall Avatar
                Sandy Randall

                Sue,
                “Or did they just accept your care as your job as a mom/wife?”
                My husband now, is the one who has taught me that as a wife, my job is not as his caretaker. He appreciates the things I do and will acknowledge with gratitude. For instance, I love to make coffee, and not drip coffee, but the espresso machine variety. I know exactly how he likes his mocha and for me it is a fun thing to do, when I have time. He does not expect it, he will very occasionally ask me to make him one and only when I am clearly not doing anything else. He knows if I can’t, where he can get a mocha or he can make it himself. When it comes to fancy bar drinks, he’s the bar tender. I love hot buttered rums during the cold winter months. He knows how to make them. I rarely ask for one for the same reason. We have a mutual respect for each others time and ability to do something for another person. Somedays take enough out of you that one more person asking you to do something for them, is just too much. We don’t want to be that person for each other.
                I married him because he is kind. Not to just me, but everyone around him. He’s the guy in the grocery store who makes sure he doesn’t accidentally bump someone else with his cart. He makes sure when he parks his truck he’s not inadvertently blocking someone else. His kindness is contagious. He’s also the only man I ever dated where his friends gave me glowing character references when he wasn’t around. They would say things like, I would trust this guy with my life, he’s been there for me when I was at rock bottom. He has a good group of friends that he can count on as well. When he had his stroke, those guys dropped everything to help me out on his behalf.
                When the pandemic hit and we were stuck together more than usual we often remarked how we enjoyed each others easy going company.
                I feel like I hit the jackpot. He feels the same. I also feel like a better person because of him. Maybe it’s because he celebrates my self care and recognizes it for what it is, keeping myself mentally and physically healthy and happy which benefits everyone around me.
                The past relationships … nothing like this. I remember the narcissist being jealous of my kids. They didn’t live with us. They visited once or twice a year. My kids and I have always been close, despite the distance. (That was work behind the scenes repairing my friendship with their dad. We became friends again for the benefit of our kids.) The narcissist felt like they took too much of my time away from him. Yeah, he had to go. lol.
                I could probably write a series of novels and put them under the “self-help’ category. Each section titled with, “If you find yourself in this situation, here is how you extricate yourself and this is what you should learn to avoid doing it again!”

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                1. Sue Ranscht Avatar
                  Sue Ranscht

                  Sandy, your current love story is encouraging. It kind of glows with respect. I’m very happy for you.

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                  1. Sandy Randall Avatar
                    Sandy Randall

                    😊 Thanks Sue!

                    Liked by 2 people

          2. GD Deckard Avatar
            GD Deckard

            Sue
            “So if you max out at about 4 hours a day, do you avoid your lady for 20 hours a day?”

            I don’t have to. She maxes out a little before I do. On a day with nothing better to do, she happily cooks, tends to her orchids, reads, plays video games, cavorts with the cat, & generally goofs off. Right now, she’s listening to music.

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      2. Sandy Randall Avatar
        Sandy Randall

        GD is right, we all need our alone time. I know I do. Recognizing it is so key to getting it for yourself too. It has definitely played a factor in my poor choices early in life. As a kid I read voraciously. I would rather read than hang out with friends. I also spent a lot of time writing (drivel but it was good practice lol) What naïveté made me give that up for a boy? Or was it hormones? likely both.
        My first husband should have been perfect for me. He liked to read, he was much less social than I was. He definitely preferred being outdoors and away from civilization. As a young woman, that may have been a tad too much alone time. As time went on, I failed to recognize the “snap of the rubberband”, I failed to understand how I lacked rejuvenating myself.
        Twenty-three years at United Airlines. I filled my quota of people. It took me two years to feel comfortable going back to work in customer service. This time I have been very clear with my work about the amount of time I am willingly to spend there. I am also in a better economic situation to be able to do that.
        As to partners … The narcissist did a real number on my psyche. I was upside down by the time I left that relationship. But I was also a lot clearer on what I wanted and didn’t want in a relationship.
        Sue, My oldest daughter seems to feel much the same way you do. She moved in with us simply to save money so she can buy her own home and live alone. She loves it when we say we’re going out can she mind the dogs. She practically says yes, go away don’t come back for a week!🤣 I am happy to give her that time. I crave that time too. My husband works from home a couple of days a week, but he also requires alone time (he’s anxiously awaiting his boat to be put back together for the opening of boating season so he can get back on the water.) When we are home together, we both carve out quiet space and leave each other alone to do what we want. I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him if I didn’t know we could do this.
        I do know if I find myself without him … he is the las. The only other people I don’t usher out of my home after three days, are my kids. But aside from the daughter living with us, none of them have the desire. lol

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  8. Perry Palin Avatar
    Perry Palin

    I grew up rural working poor. After high school I enrolled at the university in the city. I drove from home every day. I found some people there like me. We gathered every day in a basement room of the Education Building, with its Formica tables and plastic chairs. We leaned on our books and drank vending machine coffee from Styrofoam cups and told our stories of part time jobs and student loans and cold commutes from out there, where we lived. There were eight or ten of us, rough boys and girls from small towns or from the country, with calloused hands and bruised knees from hard work on sawmills or small farms or in auto repair shops or dry cleaners or roadside cafes or nursing homes. And there was Glenna, as different as she could be.

    Glenna was thin with long brown hair parted almost in the middle. Her hair hid her face as she walked in to sit with our group. Glenna was soft cool colors and soft fabrics and movement. She was soft music and clear words. When she looked up her hair fell back to reveal her brown eyes and her smile, and when she smiled all shapes and all colors and all sounds fell away. We all loved her, and I truly loved her.

    Glenna was a friend to all of us and she was a friend to me. She couldn’t be more. She was unattainable. She wore a band of white gold on her left hand. The ring had a bright center stone surrounded by other bright stones. She didn’t talk about the man who had her heart, but she was unattainable.

    When she sat next to me, I was intoxicated. When we were alone she asked me to tie some trout flies for her father. Later she asked me to tell her what courses I was taking that term. She had taken 19th Century British Lit the year before, and wanted me to have her class notes. I didn’t need her notes, but I told her to bring them to school. She said she would forget the notes, and asked me to stop by her house the following Tuesday after school to pick them up. She drew a map of a winding road on the bluff above the city.

    On Tuesday I found the large brick home with a four car garage and a cabin cruiser perched on a trailer next to the garage. The house had wide stone steps to a wide front door. A housekeeper answered the door. Glenna appeared and pulled me into the house. She smiled and everything else melted away. I told her I’d just grab her notes and head for home, but she said they were in her room somewhere and she took my coat. I told her I’d wait for her to get the notes. The living room had a huge stone fireplace, leather couches, a wool rug on the maple floor, a high ceiling, and tall windows overlooking a sloping green backyard and toward the big lake.

    Glenna reappeared without her notes. She moved me into the dining room, where her mother had made a place for me at the table. Glenna’s parents were gracious and welcoming. They asked about me, about school, about fishing in the streams. Her father said he fished with the flies I made for him but only caught little ones. He wanted me to take him out to show him how to use them. He said he would take me out in the cruiser on the big lake, if I wanted to go, to troll for lake trout.

    I was in shock. I was paralyzed. I was unable to form a coherent sentence. I was unable to carry on a conversation with these people, in their rich home.

    Weeks later, a married friend who was going to school on the GI Bill asked me why I never asked Glenna on a date. I was incredulous. I asked him if he happened to notice the ring on her left hand. He shrugged and said Glenna wanted to know why I never asked her out. I was stunned.

    A few days later Glenna came up to me. She looked angry, but she told me why she was wearing her grandmother’s ring. I asked her to dinner and to go with me to the season’s last performance of the spring production by the university’s theatre group. She turned me down, but told me I could ask again, in the future. I’m pretty slow on the uptake, but I figured I got the message.

    Summer came and I went back to the woods and to long hard days at the sawmill. In the fall Glenna found me in our old meeting place. She had a big smile, and she told me she was engaged. I asked to whom, and she told me his name, a guy a couple of years older, from another small community northwest of the city, someone I couldn’t place but whose name was familiar as a basketball player on a rival high school team. I told her not to marry him. I told her she was making a mistake. I told her that all the people from that community were short Finns. I told her they were inbred, and all the women looked the same. I told her to look at her intended’s mother and sisters, and that she didn’t want her daughters to look like that. Glenna was of Finnish descent, and so was I, but we were both a mix of the short Finns and the tall Finns. Glenna laughed, and then I laughed, and she told me to be happy for her. My chance with her was gone. I told her I would be happy for her.

    Two years later I met in the same room the lovely red haired girl I would marry, and we are in our 50th year of marriage. We’ve had a great run, and have three healthy, successful children and five grandchildren.

    Twenty five years after I lost my chance with Glenna, her husband sent me a letter praising one of my stories that he read in a magazine. I don’t get a lot of fan mail. I replied with thanks for his kind words. I admitted that I recalled his name but not much else about him, but I certainly remembered his wife, and I asked him to say hello to Glenna for me.

    After another twenty years, I found Glenna on social media and dared to write, asking her to read my story that she had inspired. It’s a romantic tragedy. I asked her if she would approve of my sending the story out for publication. She said she loved the story, and remembered the trout flies. She and her husband have had a great run for fifty two years, with one daughter, and a couple of beautiful granddaughters.

    I loved that girl once.

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      Wow, Perry. That is a story to reread. Love stories don’t always end with the couple living happily thereafter, but your story shows that every love lives in us always.

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    2. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      Perry, your story will stay with me for a long time. I so wanted you to understand Glenna, but sometimes being a straightforward person, you miss the “game” girls learn to play. Somewhere, we’re taught that dropping hints about what we want, rather than being direct is how you “get” a man. At this age, I find it a stupid game. I have come to appreciate straightforward. It wastes less time with pointless misunderstanding.
      I’m going to guess your wife is more direct in her communication, than Glenna.

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      1. Perry Palin Avatar
        Perry Palin

        Thanks, Sandy. There’s a lot to the story that I couldn’t fit into this post. I’ve heard about the “game” that girls play, but what was it with that diamond ring? I WAS slow to understanding, but one of the cultural jokes is (was?) that Finnish people are so slow in these matters that it’s a surprise that they even survive as a race of people. “Glenna” of course is a made-up name, but I found her on social media 50+ years later because her husband would have known if the story was published in a magazine he reads. I was glad I found her, and she seemed pleased that I reached out after all those years.

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        1. Sandy Randall Avatar
          Sandy Randall

          Perry, the games girls play are exhausting lol. But the point of them are to make you interested in them. The ring … totally an eye catcher, conversation piece. She wanted you to ask about it. The problem? Many of us are taught (especially the more straightforward) that you are not to pry. If someone wants you to know something, they will tell you. The ring catches your eye and sparks your imagination, but she says nothing about it as if it’s unimportant or not remarkable … the classic elephant in the room. She’s angry when you don’t ask her out and it’s because of the ring. You’re not playing by the arbitrary rules of the game.
          This is what I love about your stories. Whether you are aware or not, you capture these nuances. You made me feel like Glenna trying to get you to play the game without coming right out and telling you.
          A more common example is your anniversary is coming. Your wife tries to be nonchalant and not remind you, but hoping that you will remember. To help you along, hints are dropped prior, to give you the opportunity to “do the right thing”.
          What I hate about all of that? People are not mind readers and people are lousy at body language and interpreting hints, especially if it’s someone you don’t know very well yet. It’s better to play that game with your dog … dogs pay attention to EVERYTHING you do and they know the difference between going to work shoes and going for “walkies” shoes. They can tell just by you subtle clues what you intend to do. Humans … if they are paying that close of attention, they’re creepy stalkers!

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          1. Perry Palin Avatar
            Perry Palin

            Sandy,

            Thanks much for your comments.

            My Glenna-inspired story is a romantic tragedy, and it is also about how people from different castes respond to one another. Glenna literally and figuratively came down several levels to join my cohort in the basement. I loved her, but I knew where she was from, and asking her about her ring was not going to happen. In the story, I was not going to approach her about anything, but she could, and did, initiate contact with me on occasion. I was comfortable with her being a friend. When it seemed that she wanted me to be more, that was confusing.

            I am not credentialed or trained in anything, but I left the sawmill behind and made my living in workplace conflict resolution. I could not have written my story without spending a lot of time working with people from differing family, social, and economic backgrounds, from several races and religions, and from both genders. The worst people I had to deal with were upwardly mobile white middle class men who thought everyone should have the same values, goals, and thoughts that they do.

            BTW, I don’t know that my wife was “more direct in her communication than Glenna”, but my wife and I were members of the same socio-economic strata, and that helped when it mattered.

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            1. Sandy Randall Avatar
              Sandy Randall

              The thing I always forget is caste.
              This is one more area where you excel in your stories and make them relatable.
              The way you weave nuance… I lose words here to describe my thoughts.
              Sue is really good at explaining what I mean 😂 I try but she picks up my lame attempt and says exactly what I’m trying to convey.
              At any rate.
              I started all of my comments by saying your story will stay with me a long time.
              The story, the structure, the characters.
              You have helped me immensely, through this story, to understand what I need to work on with my characters. The result of my learning may not bear fruit for awhile but I’ve already begun to see my work with a newer perspective. In conjunction with GD and Mimi’s layering ability I am having some very satisfying “ah-ha” moments with my own writing.
              I appreciate you taking my commentary in stride. It’s all part of learning what works in a compelling tale.
              My gratitude is endless for everyone who shares their work here. I’m a better writer with goals of further improvement and a way forward.

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              1. Perry Palin Avatar
                Perry Palin

                Yep. A neighbor teaches a creative non-fiction class each winter. I took it a couple of years in person, and when the pandemic hit she moved to Zoom. The class this year, for participants with some writing experience (the neighbor allowed me to enroll), is my fifth winter with her. We had people signing in from four or five states. Every year I learn something from every other participant, whether he/she is an established writer or not.

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        2. Sandy Randall Avatar
          Sandy Randall

          As to her being happy to hear from you all those years later … I’m not surprised. She felt the same way, she just didn’t know another way to convey those feelings at the time.

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      2. Sue Ranscht Avatar
        Sue Ranscht

        I’m going to object here to the broad generalization “the games girls play.” It’s true many do, like many men play at being players. Or macho men. But in my experience, those girls were the soshes. The cool, popular girls who treated other people like… well, playthings. People I found difficult to respect. Did I see that and wonder if that’s how I was expected to behave? Sure, but it was so clearly manipulative and inherently dishonest, I never even wanted to try. People deserve to be treated better than that.

        I acknowledge the sexist mores of the times up through the late ’60s normalized that behavior, but if a girl’s parents today are teaching her to play Hard-to-Get or Be-a-Tease or Only-Hint-at-What-You-Want or — god forbid — Be-Subservient-to-Your-Man, I call that poor parenting. If a girl learns those things from other girls — or the entertainment industry (or Ian Fleming, lol), I fault the girl for not thinking for herself.

        I never understood guys who were attracted to “crazy” or bitchy females either. I could only wonder how stupid those boys/men were/are.

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        1. Sandy Randall Avatar
          Sandy Randall

          I agree Sue … and I think it’s less prevalent these days … simply because so much has changed for girls… I’m going by what I experienced as a girl… but my upbringing was incredibly confusing. I grew up in my Dads house and for the most part treated like my brother, ridiculed for anything girly I might have done and then put in my place and reminded I was a girl when I wanted to do what the boys did.
          It was bad enough that when I was pregnant with my son I was terrified to have a girl because I wouldn’t know how to raise her.
          Yeah I was ill prepared to be left on my own at 18 😂

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        2. GD Deckard Avatar
          GD Deckard

          Sue
          “I never understood guys who were attracted to “crazy” or bitchy females”

          Me neither, but. If evolution teaches us anything it’s that our sexual behavior is what it is because it works to propagate the species. Crazy, bitchy, macho, tease, subservient, domineering, etc., is all part of the wide range of human behavior. No wonder love is such a magnet for writers!

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  9. mimispeike Avatar
    mimispeike

    I am a romance skeptic. A marriage skeptic even more, having seen the downside of it up close, from age twelve or thirteen. I never had a genuine relationship, that is, one that seemed to have a future, until I met my husband.

    I own a small house. After a series of disastrous housemates, defaulting on rent and worse, one turned out to be seriously mentally ill, I was desperate. I put an ad in the paper. I made up my mind to take a college student. If he/she were another horror, I could be fairly sure they would move on upon graduation. If a student had answered my ad I would have taken them.

    Eberhard was the only one who called. A man leaving a condo after a divorce. The condo was being sold, he had to get out fast. A personable, intelligent man, I wondered, why does he want to live in my crappy little house?

    He was looking to live cheap, save all he could for retirement. His German pension had been cut in half in a divorce back in Germany. He had little saved, considering he’d been an airline pilot in the days when pilots made a good salary. A stay-at-home wife and four kids does that. Plus he gave her a large amount of money in the divorce. Even after the decree, she was always asking for money. He handed over a huge settlement from a subsequent court case to be rid of her.

    We had much in common. We are both heavy readers. We were (uh, turns out not so very much) politically aligned. After four months he asked if I would marry him. I was wary. I told him my history, to try to discourage him. He named a date in the new year, for tax purposes, he said. I didn’t get that, still don’t, but … whatever. I told him, if you should change your mind by then, I won’t be mad. I’ll only think you’ve come to your senses.

    Twenty years later, we’re still married. I love him dearly.

    You can blame Eberhard for Sly. Him here, taking charge of my shaky finances, allowed me to quit the second job I’d worked for years. I finally had time, and energy, to write.

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    1. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      “You can blame Eberhard for Sly.”
      Personal Experience builds our wells from which we pull our writing and our characters. I rationalize my own life as my muse stuffing me in to all sorts of experiences so that I can write. Write what you know. That phrase I’m sure has followed us all around in some form or another. GD has made comments on some of my pieces that lead me to know this is true. Every comment that has highlighted, raw, or poignant or authentic tells me, when I write from a place of emotional truth, I connect with my readers.
      How to make that connection, is still hit or miss for me, but I am learning.

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    2. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      There is an underlying yin and yang current in your story, Mimi. I like it.

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  10. Sandy Randall Avatar
    Sandy Randall

    How we met.
    My husband and I will celebrate our fifth anniversary this March. I was 49 when we first met. I had been in Seattle for a month or two. I had transferred here from New Mexico. One of my new coworkers suggested we go to the movies and said her cousin would pick us up. The three of us went to the movies. He seemed like a nice guy and funny. Then he moved to Spokane for his job. I thought nothing of it.
    By the time I arrived in Seattle, I had two marriages, one long term relationship and several dating experiences behind me. I also had four kids all grown, for the most part. My youngest still had a year of high school left.
    At this point in my life, I had decided I was happy being single. In fact, I limited my dating to England and Ireland. I had three separate relationships there and would fly over to hang out only to return and enjoy my life as a single woman.
    There were a couple of guys in Seattle, but I refused to get beyond one or two dates. Anyone try to get to know me better got the door slammed in their face.
    My first marriage I was 20. I got pregnant, then got married. Moved to the Netherlands, had a baby and realized it was all wrong. When my son was 8 I met my second husband. Three years later and three more babies and it began to slide sideways. Again I got it wrong. Devastatingly wrong. That left me gutted and realizing I knew nothing about who I was or what I wanted out of life. I also lost custody of my three youngest kids.
    In hindsight, It was for the best. My ex was financially better able to care for them. I struggled taking care of myself and my oldest son.
    Fast forward to September 11, 2001. My ex and my kids were in Maryland, while my son and I were in Hawaii. I was working for United Airlines. Being that far from my children was too hard. I transferred as close as I could. March of 2002 found me in Chicago. I still held a hope that my three youngest would come live with me. By 2006, I finally understood, that wasn’t going to happen.
    At that point I realized it was time to turn my focus on my own life and what I wanted, only to once again derail myself. I transferred to New Mexico, with my current boyfriend. Seems I needed a lesson in life ruled by a narcissist! It was 2012. I was drowning in this relationship and thinking I was a complete failure, when I left him. A year later, I transferred to Seattle. I was done with long term relationships. The narcissist had done a number on me.
    Then I went to the movies with my coworker Andrea, and her cousin Craig.
    Craig left a mark I didn’t even know was there.
    He went to Spokane, I dated in Europe.
    He returned from Spokane at the end of 2015. Baseball season arrived. In May of 2016, Andrea again invited me out, this time to a baseball game with her cousin and some of his friends.
    He tells people he had to chase me around the park to get me to notice him. I figured this white collar business guy and I had only baseball in common, so wasn’t worth the effort. He then invited me to a BBQ at his house the following weekend. I went. Had a great time, met his cute little dog and some of his close friends. Neither of us thought to exchange numbers. It wasn’t until September when I saw him again. We watched baseball, played pool and talked for hours. Baseball broke the ice, however it was me dog sitting for him for a week that really did the trick. His dog didn’t like women, but she loved me. Since that week, he and I have been inseparable. I moved in with him sometime in 2017. We sold his house in the fall of 2017. In the middle of that, he had a stroke. I smuggled his dog into the hospital to see him. I think he decided I was the one after that. His kindness, his lack of judgement for who I was, and his open hearted welcome of me did it for me. He showed me he was way more fascinating than some business guy. He’s always open for whatever random adventure pops into my head. I just hope that we get at least twenty years together. So far it’s been seven years, five of them married. The PTSD from the narcissist has faded. I just wonder why I had had to take so long to figure out what really mattered in a relationship!

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    1. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      Just realized … In 2013 when I met my husband … I was 50! LOL

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    2. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      “I just wonder why I had had to take so long to figure out what really mattered in a relationship!”
      I wondered about that myself. I never answered the question. Maybe, relationships are life’s musical chairs. At some point, you sit.

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      1. Sandy Randall Avatar
        Sandy Randall

        Life’s musical chairs … or maybe Duck, duck goose?
        I have thought about it. The answer for me, was in the way my life was set up. The things I was taught as a child, the role I was expected to live as a girl.
        I remember some specific points that absolutely contributed to the path I took in life. My parents divorce resulted in my Mom getting married again, a few years later. My dad never remarried, but he didn’t need to. Whether I interpreted incorrectly or not, I was under the impression I had to marry and rely on a man. It took my second divorce to force me to look back and see where that thinking was ridiculous. On my own, I was able to care for my son. Child support was sketchy at best. It was on me to put a roof over my child’s head and food in his mouth.
        My other problem was my lack of desire to think anything through. Why would you do that? Just jump in and it will all work out. Ha. That leads to a path of anxiety!

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  11. mimispeike Avatar
    mimispeike

    Let me tell you about how Sly and I met.

    Back around 1985-6 (I know the date because I remember where I was living), I was taking an illustration class, and I had created an image for the nursery rhyme Hey, Diddle, Diddle. Many of those old rhymes contained historical truth which over the years was forgotten. I began a short story giving the historical reality behind the rhyme.

    The story grew. I picked it up, I put it down. I didn’t see a future for it. My big problem was a radical change in tone between books one and three. In those days I had it broken into three parts, with the first part quite historical, the second less so, the third outright fairy-tale-ish. I eventually (fairly recently, less than ten years ago) got that worked out to my satisfaction.

    Sly’s my best sweetheart and always will be.

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    1. Sandy Randall Avatar
      Sandy Randall

      This could be the follow up to this weeks post … “How we met part 2, The writer and their favorite character.”

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  12. John Correll Avatar
    John Correll

    In 1989 the status quo teetered on the brink of chaos while romance, my romance, crashed to the bottom without hope of ever surviving. One year after my divorce, I cursed kissing lovers, crazy birds chirping, and batty bees doing whatever. I watched the cold war melt from my Radio Free Europe office in DC without the slightest clue of the significance. I concentrated on loneliness and misery instead. Basically, love sucked.

    Then my boss invited me to his second wedding reception. The one for all the Americans who missed the first one in Germany. The one where his new wife intended that I sit next to her younger, single sister. I didn’t. I sat next to the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She pouted with morose malignancy at being dragged to her best friend’s sister’s wedding party against her will on a Saturday.

    We talked of philosophy, mathematics, and tea. We kissed, danced, and laughed till one in the morning. And my tongue’s cursing love bit itself.

    In Berlin, we held hands by the crumbling wall. In Prague, we kissed while the old guard drowned in vodka. In Vienna, we made love past new borders open. Everywhere Europe blossomed to new freedoms, but I remained captured, lost in love.

    Thirty-three years and three children later, we still kiss, hold hands, hug, cuddle, fight, make up, and love through life’s struggles. And now I smile at lovers kissing endlessly.

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    1. GD Deckard Avatar
      GD Deckard

      Dang, John, that is such a good story that I wanted to edit it. Well written!

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      1. John Correll Avatar
        John Correll

        Thanks, GD. Any thoughts on improvements would be greatly welcomed. I still haven’t worked up the courage to show this to my wife. She writes for a living as an academic with several books and a zillion published articles. And as a Professor, she can be a bit daunting when it comes to the written word, but I love her just the same.

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        1. Sandy Randall Avatar
          Sandy Randall

          “Be brave in the attempt”John ( stole the quote from the second half of the Special Olympics motto)
          Your wife loves you.

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        2. Sandy Randall Avatar
          Sandy Randall

          Besides, your story is wonderful and like the rest of your writing I’m always hoping for more!

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          1. John Correll Avatar
            John Correll

            Thanks, Sandy.

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        3. GD Deckard Avatar
          GD Deckard

          Well since you asked… 😁

          Change
          And my tongue’s cursing love bit itself.
          to
          And my cursing-love tongue bit itself.

          Make this image clearer.
          In Vienna, we made love past new borders open.

          Change
          And now I smile at lovers kissing endlessly.
          to
          And now I smile endlessly at lovers kissing.

          And definitely show it to your wife. 👍

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          1. John Correll Avatar
            John Correll

            Thanks GD. Changes made. I did debate with myself about where to place endlessly. I’ll use your placement.

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            1. GD Deckard Avatar
              GD Deckard

              😁Always the writers’ choice, John.
              Steven Spielberg once commented that if several of his BETA readers suggested a change, he made it. But if only one suggested a change, he ignored it.

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